I've Found My Teen a Therapist, Now What?

Nov 9

How parents can support their teenager's mental health, build emotional safety at home, and get the most out of their teen's therapy experience.

I've Found My Teen a Therapist, Now What?

How parents can support their teenager's mental health, build emotional safety at home, and get the most out of their teen's therapy experience.

The hard part is over, right? Your teen either asked for help themselves or agreed to talk to a therapist after you suggested it. Whew!

Now, after approximately 2.5 seconds of relief, you have about a million other questions swirling around in your head.

How do I know my kid is talking about what they should be talking about in therapy?
How often will I get updates from the therapist?
What kind of updates will I get?
What can I do at home to help my teen with what they're working on in therapy?
How will I know how to help my teen if I don't know what they're talking about in therapy?
I want them to have a safe place to talk freely, but I also desperately want to know anything I should know that they share in therapy.
What if my teen tells their therapist they're using drugs? Or sexually active? Or feeling depressed?

First, take a breath. It's completely normal to feel relieved that your teen has someone to talk to while simultaneously feeling anxious, curious, and maybe even a little left out of what's happening in those sessions. You want to respect their privacy, but you're also their parent, and you want to know they're okay.

Hopefully, you found a solid therapist who loves working with teens and took some time to explain the limits of confidentiality to both you and your teen. If you still have questions about what information your teen's therapist can share with you, I'd encourage you to read this article:

What Can a Teen's Therapist Tell Parents Under Texas Law?

It addresses many of the questions parents have about confidentiality and what to expect when their teenager begins therapy.

I'd like to address some of those questions from a different angle and help you, your teen, and your family get the most out of their time in therapy.

Why Your Teen Might Not Talk to You Anymore

If you've ever asked yourself, "Why doesn't my kid talk to me about anything anymore?" there are probably a couple of things happening.

Part of the answer is normal adolescent development. As teenagers grow, their world expands, their relationships with peers become increasingly important, and they naturally begin developing more independence from their parents. This process is called individuation.

The other part of the answer has to do with emotional and psychological safety within your conversations.

If teens feel like anytime they talk to you about something, they have to censor themselves, they're probably not going to feel very comfortable opening up about the messy topics they're trying to figure out.

If they think you're going to judge them, tell them their opinion or line of thinking is wrong, or shut them down, they're probably not going to talk to you about it.

If they think you're going to get mad, be disappointed, or immediately react out of fear, they're probably not going to talk to you about it either.

And sometimes, your teen simply doesn't want to tell you everything. That's developmentally appropriate, too. The goal isn't to become the person your teen tells absolutely everything to. It's to become someone they feel safe coming to when they need you.

Let Them Say It Messy

Part of the reason teenagers open up to their friends more during this stage of life is because they can typically "say it messy."

Maybe they have a half-formed thought, a question that's been brewing in their mind, or an opinion they're not entirely sure how to make sense of yet. So they process out loud with someone who will just listen or ask questions to help them figure out what they're thinking.

Maybe your teen says something that sounds completely ridiculous, challenges one of your beliefs, or expresses an opinion that makes you want to immediately jump in and correct them.

Sometimes, what they need most in that moment isn't a lecture, a solution, or a lesson about why they're wrong. It's the opportunity to finish the thought.

The point is, when conversations consistently lead to judgment, anger, lectures, or fear-based reactions, teens often learn that certain topics aren't safe to bring to their parents.

That doesn't mean you have to respond perfectly every time. It does mean that learning to recognize and regulate your own emotions can make a significant difference in the kind of relationship you're building with your teen.

Why Parents Need Emotional Regulation Skills, Too

So, while your teen is in therapy, let's work on your own emotional regulation skills so that you can develop a more open and supportive relationship with them.

Creating emotional safety doesn't mean you have to agree with everything your teen says, approve of every decision they make, or abandon the boundaries you've established as a parent.

You can hold boundaries and communicate expectations while still allowing your teen to express themselves without fear of being shamed or dismissed.

It's possible to say, "I love you, I want to understand where you're coming from, and I also need to set a boundary around this."

Here are a few ways you can start working on this yourself:

1. Get Curious About Your Own Reactions

Begin acknowledging what emotions come up for you when your teen talks about certain topics.

Does fear, anger, guilt, shame, or disappointment come up for you?

When those feelings arise, how do you handle them?

Is it written all over your face, even if you don't say anything?
Do you jump to worst-case scenarios and immediately start lecturing your teen?
Do you get angry and end up in an argument?
Do you shut down or withdraw from the conversation?
Do you talk to your partner or other children to see if they can get more information about what's going on with your teen?

Pay attention to these patterns. Sometimes our reactions communicate much more than our actual words.

2. Look at How You Were Raised

What did your parents do well? What do you wish they would've done differently?

How are you trying to balance the inner voice of how your parents raised you with what you'd like to do differently with your own children?

Many of us carry parenting patterns from our own childhoods without even realizing it. Sometimes those patterns serve us well, and sometimes they don't.

Taking time to recognize what you've carried forward can help you make more intentional decisions about the kind of parent you want to be.

3. Identify Your Core Values

What are the values that mean the most to you?

How do you make decisions that align with those values? How are you parenting within those values? How are you not parenting within those values?

For example, if one of your core values is honesty, are you creating an environment where your teen can be honest with you, even when the truth is uncomfortable?

If you value independence, are you giving your teen opportunities to make decisions and learn from their mistakes?

Our values can serve as a really helpful compass when we're navigating difficult parenting situations.

4. Practice Letting Go of Control

This is sometimes the hardest part of all.

Your teen is a different person than you. They have their own values, their own opinions, and their own path to figure out.

They will make mistakes. They will make decisions you don't agree with. They may even make some of the same mistakes you made when you were their age.

Our job as parents is to guide our teens, establish appropriate boundaries, and help protect them from situations they may not yet have the skills or experience to navigate.

But we can't make every decision for them, prevent every mistake, or control how they ultimately choose to navigate the world.

You can influence your teen, provide guidance, and help them understand consequences. You can also give them opportunities to develop their own decision-making skills and learn to trust themselves.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is take a step back, let them work through something, and be available when they need you.

5. Invest in Your Own Growth

Consider finding your own therapist or parent coach (like me!) to help you acknowledge and work through the ways you've been reacting or responding to your children and partner at home.

You can also do some learning about emotional regulation by reading books or watching videos on topics like:

Codependency
Attachment and attachment styles
Boundary setting
Nervous system regulation
Mindfulness
Assertive communication
Distress tolerance
Cognitive reframing

You don't have to become an expert in all of these topics. Even a little more understanding of your own emotional patterns can make a difference in how you show up for your family.

Your Teen Is in Therapy. This Is an Opportunity for You, Too.

Supporting a teenager through adolescence is a learning experience for everyone involved.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for your teen is take a closer look at your own patterns, reactions, and communication skills.

You don't have to be a perfect parent. You don't have to get every conversation right. And you certainly don't have to know exactly what to do in every situation.

But you can work toward becoming someone your teen feels safe talking to, even when the conversation is uncomfortable.

If you're interested in developing better emotional regulation skills, improving communication with your teen, or navigating some of the challenges that come with parenting adolescents and young adults, I'd love to help.

Let’s See If We’re a Fit

I offer a free 15-minute consultation to discuss your needs, goals, and how we might work together.

Contact Me