Family conflict: fair fighting rules
Most families contact me with the goal to “not fight as much,” which is a great goal! However, I actually think the answer lies in fighting fair and more effectively with each other.
Many of us never learned how to properly resolve conflict, so most of our fights go ‘round and ‘round in circles until we get tired and someone concedes and shuts down and the other temporarily “wins” usually by simply outlasting the other person in the argument. What happens is nothing ever gets resolved. The person who shut down didn’t feel heard or get their needs met and the person who “wins” simply dominated the conversation and never fully listened to what the relationship needs.
This is how we get in power struggles and end up at an impasse. Neither side feels heard or gets what they need and the relationship suffers.
I encourage people to stop and ask themselves not just what they need or what the other person(s) needs, but also what does the relationship need? What does the marriage need? What does the family need?
Once we put more focus into the bigger picture of what the relationship needs, then we become more effective communicators. We learn how to fight fair.
Below is a list of effective communication skills and tools to fight fairly. Some of them might seem like common sense, but I encourage you to read them over with your family and discuss which ones you all need to work on. Print them out and hang them on your fridge as a reminder. Don’t wait for someone else to remind you of the communication skills in an argument, don’t blame someone for messing up and not using a tool. Simply catch yourself as soon as you can or gently remind the other person about the tools for effective communication and move on from there. You may even need to take a break and table the discussion so you can all reset and come back to it.
Effective communication skills might seem like they take too much time and energy, but most families who come to see me have already been using a lot of time and energy fighting ineffectively to the point where they don’t know how to stop. Using communication tools now will save you stress, time, and energy and preserve your relationships for the future.
If you need more help putting these into practice, give me a call! 713-259-2550!
Before you begin, ask yourself why you feel upset.
Are you angry because your partner left the mustard on the counter? Or are you angry because you feel like you’re doing an uneven share of the housework, and this is just one more piece of evidence? Take time to think about your own feelings before starting an argument.
Discuss one topic at a time.
“You shouldn’t be spending so much money without talking to me” can quickly turn into “You don’t care about our family.” Now you need to resolve two problems instead of one. Plus, when an argument starts to get off topic, it can easily become about everything a person has ever done wrong. Discussions that get off-topic are more likely to get heated, and less likely to solve the original problem. Choose one topic and stick to it.
No degrading language.
Discuss the issue, not the person. No put-downs, swearing, or name-calling. Degrading language is an attempt to express negative feelings while making sure the other person feels just as bad. Doing so leads to more character attacks while the original issue is forgotten.
Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them.
“I feel hurt when you ignore my phone calls.” “I feel scared when you yell.” Structure your sentences as “I” statements (“I feel emotion when event”) to express how you feel while taking responsibility for your emotions. However, starting with “I” does not give a license to ignore the other fair fighting rules (i.e. “I feel like you’re a jerk”).
Take turns speaking.
Give your full attention while the other person speaks. Avoid making corrections or thinking about what you want to say. Your only job is to understand their point of view, even if you disagree. If you find it difficult to not interrupt, try setting a timer allowing 1-2 minutes for each person to speak without interruption. Practice active listening!
No stonewalling.
Sometimes, the easiest way to respond to an argument is to retreat into your shell and refuse to speak. This is called stonewalling. You might feel better temporarily, but the original issue will remain unresolved and the other person will feel more upset. If you absolutely cannot go on, tell the person you need to take a time-out. Agree to resume the discussion later.
No yelling.
Yelling does not help anyone see your point of view. Instead, it sends the message that only your words matter. Even if yelling intimidates the other person into giving up, the underlying problem only grows worse.
Take a time-out if things get too heated.
In a perfect world, we would all follow these rules 100% of the time... but it just doesn’t work like that. If an argument starts to become personal or heated, take a time-out. Agree on a time to come back and discuss the problem after everyone has cooled down. But come back to the discussion, otherwise the issue never gets dealt with and you’re both avoiding.
Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding.
There isn’t always a perfect answer to an argument. Life is too messy for that. Do your best to come to a compromise (this means some give and take from both sides). If you can’t come to a compromise, simply taking the time to understand the other person’s perspective can help soothe negative feelings. Practice validation!
