How to cope with conflict with your teen

Building skills for effective communication means we need new and creative ways of changing the script in our conversations with our family members. Most resistance and conflict occurs because one or both parties do not feel heard or validated in their feelings or experience. When talking with teenagers, it can be even more difficult because they are trying to communicate with limited skills and self-awareness. Their frontal lobe has not fully developed which means when they are upset their cognitive functioning skills are even more limited. Many times parents get very frustrated when they are trying to understand why their teen is upset because their teen simply states “I don’t know” or doubles down on what they’ve already said.

Below are four strategies for coping with resistance and conflict. These can be used with anyone (partner, friend, coworker, teacher, etc). For the purposes of this blog, I have tailored the examples for teenagers and their parents. If you would like more individualized help putting these into practice at home, please give me a call at 713-259-2550.

1. Mutual Validation:

• Use when someone isn’t listening to you because they do not feel heard themselves.

• Acknowledge and appreciate someone’s experience, needs, feelings, and motivations. It does NOT mean you have to agree with them. 

Example: “I understand when I said ‘you are lazy’ it hurt your feelings. That would be hurtful to anyone, myself included. On my end, I’m afraid that your chores will not get done and I will not have time to do them myself before work. I need some help getting the house cleaned up before company arrives this weekend.”

Example: “I understand you are concerned about my grades. I also worry about them. On my end, it causes me a lot of stress and makes me want to shut down when that is the only thing we talk about. Can we figure out a way to talk about them differently so both our needs are met?”

2. Broken Record:

• Use when someone isn’t getting the message. 

• Keep it to one sentence. 

• Offer no excuses or explanations. 

• Talk in a strong, firm voice. 

• Keep repeating it as many times as necessary. 

Example:

Teen: “I want to use the car to drive down to Galveston with a couple friends today.”

Parent: “I need the car to take your brother to his game and then your dad and I have a date tonight. I’m sorry you cannot use the car with such short notice.”

Teen: “But I promised my friends I would drive them!”

Parent: “You cannot use the car today, I have plans to use it already.”

Teen: “You can use dad’s car.”

Parent: “You cannot take the car today on such short notice.”

3. Probing:

• Use this key phrase until you get some useful information:

“What is it about (name the situation) ______________________________________ that bothers you?”

Example: 

Teen: “You never let me do anything!”

Parent: “What is it about not getting to out tonight that is bothering you?”

Teen: “Your stupid rule about having to ask ahead of time to go somewhere!”

Parent: “What is it about our house rules that bothers you?”

Teen: “You say I can’t go out with my friends when I ask you the day of!”

Parent: “What about our needing a plan ahead of time bothers you?”

Teen: “Sometimes I don’t know what my friends want to do until the day of! I want some compromise.”

Parent: “I appreciate you explaining it to me. I feel like I can understand more now.” 

4. Clouding:

• Use to help calm someone down and stop the “win/lose” game. 

• Find some part of what is being said that you can accept and acknowledge that the other person is right about.

• Ignore the rest of the argument.

• Eliminate words such as “always” and “never.”

Parent Example:

Teen: “You always get pissed off over little things.”

Parent: “It’s true, there are times I find myself getting irritated and don’t always handle it in the best way.”

Teen: “You never support me.”

Parent: “It’s true there are times when I can’t completely support what you are asking.”

Teen example:

Parent: “You never listen.”

Teen: “It’s true, I don’t always want to take your advice or do what you suggest.”

Parent: “Why don’t you care about anything?”

Teen: “It’s true, I don’t always care about the things you care about, or show that I care.”

Notice they say “It’s true…” rather than “You’re right…” This is in part because perhaps they aren’t “right” per say or maybe saying “You’re right” is simply too much for you to accept in the moment. However, we can practice admitting when someone does have a point. 

Another way to practice Active Listening, Mutual Validation, and staying out of the win/lose defensive communication patterns is saying, “You might be right, I’ll take a look at that.”‍  ‍

You can eliminate the first part if it’s just too much for you in the moment, but this phrase can help diffuse tense conversations in which both parties usually feel like they go ‘round and ‘round and neither ever budges.

It also helps us to pause and reflect on what they might be pointing out to us. Maybe we aren’t ready to fully accept it in the moment, maybe we are feeling defensive or are used to the cycle of feeling “blamed” and don’t want to give up that ground, so saying “I’ll take a look at that” might allow the person to feel like their words have at least landed and you will think about it for a while. Then perhaps you can both come back together at a later time and practice owning the parts that you can.