How to set boundaries with a defiant teen

Most of us have heard the term “Boundaries” or “Setting a Boundary” with someone, but what is it and how do you set a Boundary?

A Boundary is simply what is ok and what is not ok with you. You may have to set the same boundary with someone several times before they are able to put it into practice or you need to decide to walk away from the situation or possibly from the relationship entirely. A boundary is not a threat or ultimatum, but it is stating your needs and how you will take care of yourself if your needs cannot be respected. 

Boundaries are important in relationships as they help you take care of yourself, maintain your rights and needs and they teach the other person (friend, coworker, family member, partner, etc) how to treat you. By expressing our boundaries we improve our communication skills, strengthen our relationships, and build confidence and self-esteem by acknowledging how we would like to be treated.

There is so much to be said about boundaries and many books on the topic that I highly suggest you read if you would like more information. Below is a basic framework for how to set a boundary that might be helpful for you NOW. If you would like individualized help with this topic please give me a call at 713-259-2550!

“When you…”

• Identify the specific behavior that is bothering you

• Ex: “…yell at me…”

“I think…”

• Your thoughts about the behavior, the assumptions you make, what that behavior is communicating to you. 

• Ex: “…you are angry with me but you’re not willing to hear me…”

“I feel…”

• What emotions the behavior brings up for you.

• Ex: “…scared, not heard, intimidated…”

“I need…”

• This is where you state your boundary.

• The boundary must be observable and measurable. Ask for what you WANT not what you don’t want. (i.e. don’t yell at me). 

• Ex: “…you to talk to me in a calm tone so we can have a conversation.”

Self-Care or Consequence:

• State the consequence for over-stepping your boundary. 

• This must be something you are actually willing and able to do. (Never speaking to them again is a threat not a realistic consequence, unless you really are ready to never speak to them again and that is something that is feasible.) Have integrity! Do what you say you are going to do otherwise you teach people your boundaries aren’t real and you don’t really mean what you say. 

• Ex: “If you continue to yell at me, I am not going to be able to hear or understand you so that we can solve this problem. Please talk to me calmly or let’s come back to this discussion once you can.” 

• If you are not consistent and don’t think your consequence through, it will not work. If it is not something you are actually willing or able to do, when it comes time to uphold your boundary, it will fail. Make sure to think it through.